hello hello! welcome to my first blog entry... i dont know exactly what to say but ill think of something because im talented in the art of yapping
yesterday i remembered i have LED lights in a box on my shelf so i put them up around the underside of my bunkbed (where my desk is) and now i get more light so hurray! also earlier i started watching Serial Experiments Lain which is what inspired me to work on my site again lmao.. i turned the LEDs to blue for a better viewing experience and it was lowkey kinda trippy but i think it worked.
serial experiments lain
i really like the aesthetics of Serial Experiments Lain... i think the way it depicts the internet and the world wide web (the WIRED) is really interesting and almost religious,, which is definitely a product of how the internet was viewed in the 90s as it became more widely available and started to appeal to youth to communicate, but has this uniquely absurdist and psychologically horrifying edge to it that makes it so unique.
also, i really relate to Lain. obviously, shes meant to be someone the viewer can project onto and she doesnt have much of a personality at least in the beginning, so its easy for anyone to say that... but i relate to her more as a mentally ill autistic teenager who grew up on the internet during the pandemic and felt mostly ostrasised from my peers, with the exception being online. plus, i struggle a lot with severe derealisation/disassociation, my own identity, and ideas of mortality, and the way that Lain is depicted in the first few eps reminded me way too much of my younger self. it felt like seeing me at 10 years old staring back at me through a screen. the way she struggles to speak, her blank, unnerving stare, her passiveness in her own life and fear of everything around her... maybe im just yapping, but i see myself in her a lot.
minecraft / unstable smp
recently ive been really interested in mcyt, especially the unstable smp. i have a pretty long history with minecraft, basically growing up on it, and it means a huge deal to me. ever since i was really young (seriously like, an actual toddler) my parents have been letting me watch DanTDM's minecraft videos, and i began playing with my brothers on their xbox when i was probably only 5 or 6. since then, ive never really stopped being obsessed with it, but then the dsmp happened and i got CRAZY into it. after that though, i kinda lost interest until i found out about third life from tiktok and then hermitcraft after that, and then began seeing art of wemmbu and eggchan on pinterest and eventually caved. when i started unstable i actually found it really boring. i watched spokeishere's first episode (boring), then wemmbu's first episode (also boring) and decided to quit. about a week later, since i was really struggling with my mental health again due to exams, i decided to give it one more chance because i needed something to distract me from my personal problems, so i watched parrotx2's first episode... and i loved it.
the mystery and narrative aspect of parrot's pov is mostly what drew me in.. i had this preconscieved notion that unstable universe was just full of sweaty pvp, wars, and shallow plotlines, but parrot's episodes being about discovery and problem-solving actually really surprised me. the director arc is easily my favourite out of every uusmp arc, the emotions and tragedy of it all are phenomenal, and wifies is probably my favourite character overall because i find him extremely interesting and his character narrative very rich.
honestly im not a fan of when people treat wifies like a flawless, evil mastermind, and neither am i when people treat him like he's done nothing wrong. its just the eternal fandom struggle of people turning characters 2 dimensional to fit their personal preferences and ethics, but it still pisses me off. i do really like wifies' other videos though, and he's inspired me a lot to make my own youtube videos.. which is my current plan for the summer. im hoping to make minecraft arg videos and video essays, but its taking me a while lol... still, im gonna stay vigilant because its something im really passionate about doing.
mental health update
if im being honest... i dont think ive been doing well recently. i mean, of course i havent, i just finished 28 final exams in the space of 6 weeks, and after finishing them all i feel a trillion times better. but i still dont think im doing well. maybe itll get better as i recover during the summer, but even before exams ive been falling back into old thinking patterns and being haunted by bad memories, mostly about my past relationships and friendships and wondering if my life is truly going a direction that im happy about.
thats one of the reasons why minecraft and youtubing has appealed to me so much recently, if im being honest. unstable smp has been my escape from my depressive episodes since i started watching it, and since i was miserable before about not having any hyperfixations, its really saved me. ive also started being more creative and thinking about writing again since getting into it, which means the world to me because creativity is my lifeblood, and school had drained it out of me.
still though... im not doing well. ive been struggling to even bring myself to reply to people, and feeling honestly like i dont have much excitement for the future anymore. i cant even tell what my passions are and every career sounds like hell. i keep doubting myself and wondering if i need a genuine change or if theres just something seriously wrong with me and im incapable of having healthy relationships with others. the derealisation is getting worse too, and so is the paranoia. i really hope that things get better though. im sure they will.
end of the yap
anyways im getting bored of yapping now so if i wanna say anything more ill come back later! if you read this far then wow get a life (thanks)